It’s been a while my darlings! One year and three months to be exact. Sheesh! :O
So how is everyone doing? We’ve got so much to catch up on and I honestly don’t even know where to begin, but all I know is that I somehow have to begin. Writing is such a pleasure for me, and for the past year I’ve been at a loss for words. It’s the same as when I try to sketch, that creative block is maddening. It’s been a helluva stump in so many ways but I’m determined to get out of it.
I figured I’d come back with a post related to what this blog is mostly about (fashion, beauty) but that would be so random and in a way, I just wanted to post a very fitting quote that describes how I’ve been feeling for the past 15 months. Maybe if I express my thoughts regarding the past year, I can finally move on to better things and get my groove back a la Stella yes? 😉 So here goes and please bear with me:
Boy did I lose that spark! Good lord it came out of nowhere you guys. One night in December of 2016 I was ecstatic because I had finally gotten my LLC approved and I had so many plans going forward. Then in early January 2017 my flame burned out. Poof! I couldn’t understand it. I think knowing that I finally became a business owner was both shocking and freakin’ scary AF! I felt it. It was like “what do I do now?” I had no clue. I’ve wanted this for so long and now that I had it, I had no idea what my next move was and so I fell down hard. I allowed the fear of not knowing paralyze me and that was so unlike me. I usually jump in. It may take me a while, but I jump in. Not this time though. So I did nothing! Nada! Zilch! It was exasperating. 😦
I also let things that were completely out of my control bring me down. Let’s be honest, the state of this country is bleak for some of us. I worry every day at where we’re going. I now pay more attention to certain issues that didn’t seem so hopeless in the past. Last year I became almost obsessed with staying up-to-date on everything that was happening, but that just drained me to exhaustion. I needed to stop before I made myself sick. So towards the end of last year, I made myself take breaks from social media and TV and little by little my outlook became a tad less bleak. Just a tad though. I still pay attention but when I feel myself getting down, I take breaks. I mean by the looks of things, some of us have a long road ahead of us. I’ve got more to say on this one but that can be a whole other post. 😉
The other thing was my physical health. Asthma showed its ugly face and it would not let me go. I try to keep it under control but stress induces it and boy was I stressed. I then stopped working out not only because of the asthma but because I just couldn’t be bothered. I began eating way too much junk food especially at night and so I was always feeling tired and my energy was super low. When I would get home, all I wanted to do was get into bed and do nothing. It seemed like I couldn’t ever get enough sleep and on weekends I slept for most of the day especially on Saturdays. 😦 The one thing I made sure I did on Sundays was head to the salon to get my hair done. LOL! Because y’all know the whole vanity thing. 😀
But the mild depression was real y’all. I knew it from the beginning. I’ve gone through depression at various stages in my life so I know the signs. I feel like once you go through it the first time, it stays inside you and it comes out many times when you least expect it. This is always the case with me. I can be as happy as can be, and one day it’s like POW it hits me out of the blue (no pun intended). The good thing is that I know when it hits me so I somehow know how to deal with it. This episode was long though. I mean a year is a long time. Granted I had great moments in 2017 as well. It wasn’t always that black cloud over my head type of feeling. I traveled a bit, I had one of the best vacations ever with one of my best friends. I was myself often enough like I still laughed and played pranks on my friends, I shopped, I listened to music, etc. The only thing was that my soul was sad. However, if I didn’t come right out and say it to anyone, nobody would have known to be honest. I wasn’t hiding it but I’m weird that way lol. In the midst of those blue days, I could also feel okay.
The thing about me is that I handle my depressive moods in my own way. I’d like to first say that if you are suffering from depression and you cannot get through it on your own, by all means please seek help. Whatever you think will make you feel better. Nobody should feel like they have to handle depression on their own. Thankfully, with the exception of one really extreme episode about six years ago and compared to what others go through, my depression is usually mild enough that I can get through it.
I usually try to air things out. I pick a friend or two that I can talk to about absolutely anything without any judgement on their part and I vent. I listen to music as much as possible and I read a lot. I read fun books though. I love mystery, whodunit stories the most. I make an effort to get out more. I love to walk just to think about things so I do that around my neighborhood mostly because there are some pretty spots (this is also exercise). I shop a little but I am budget conscious so I know my limits. I get my hair done every Sunday as I stated above and I try to travel at least once a year to some place fun with fun travel companions. A little bit of all of this usually gets me through my blues. This time it took a bit longer but in the end, it worked.
I am blessed with a wonderful mom and great friends. My tribe is quite small but they are absolutely everything. It’s a beautiful bond and they all know who they are. They listened, they made me laugh, we went places and enjoyed and little by little and with the start of this New Year, I felt my mood start to slowly lift. Whatever kept trying to hold me back is slowly disappearing. It’s very important to have genuine people in your life. People who will listen to your problems and will sincerely try to find a way to make your life better. Who give off good vibes and have positive energy and clean auras. I am so grateful to have that circle to turn to. I would say to you to please choose your tribe wisely and when you find them, cherish them. Great friendships make a huge difference in how you overcome some situations.
So I basically allowed fear, worry, exhaustion, sadness and yes sometimes laziness to keep me down for 365+ days of my life. Days that I could have been building my new business, blogging, doing my workouts and staying healthy, and I could have been enjoying this life that the good lord has blessed me with more often than not. Please believe that not a day went by during this time that I didn’t think of this. I’d constantly berate myself for not doing what I should be doing. That I didn’t ask myself WTF was going on with me and WHEN was I going to get my shit together. Not one day went by that I didn’t try to do something but I just couldn’t. It was like there was an invisible wall that I conjured up and that wall would not budge even though I pushed. But I kept pushing and I am knocking down that wall. This post is my first step in that direction. *high five* 🙂
In closing, I’d like to reiterate that if you’re going through depression be it mild or severe and you just cannot find your way through, please seek help. There are so many options available to you. It can be via therapy, support groups, staying in touch with family and friends, outdoor activities, exercising, meditation and yoga, keeping a journal, eating healthy, volunteering or doing things that make you happy, listen to music and dance, and last if you really need it, medication may help. These are only a few of the options but my point is that you should never feel like you cannot ask for help. There is strength in asking for help when you need it the most so please do it.
So I hope you guys remember the drill… Comment below and share your story. How do you cope through those hard times when you just can’t find any motivation to do anything? What do you do to cure your blues? How do you handle dealing with things that you know are out of your control but still affect you? What do you do to get past the fear of doing something so scary but you know if you do it, your life could change for the better? Share your story below. Maybe we can help someone whose soul is also sad right now to find the strength to get through it. All it takes is one person to change another person’s life.
I’m happy to be back my loves, and I pray that this is the beginning of doing what I’ve always wanted to do ;). *fingers crossed* … I fell hard in 2017 and I lost my entire spark, but I am back up and my soul is slowly lighting up with the whole damn fire. (y’all see what I did there? Haa!) I got this! I look forward to your feedback. Let’s chat. Go! #engage
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